Supernatural Calm

This morning I sat on our covered patio in my pajamas with a cup of coffee ready to welcome Easter morning.  I had intended to watch the sunrise, but we had rain in the night and it was still wet and cloudy.   I closed my eyes and listened to the doves coo and the sparrows chirp.  The air was cool but heavy from the rain.  A soft breeze blew.

I opened my eyes and drank in the colors of spring.  From where I sat, I could see the deep red tips of our photinia hedge framed by the new green leaves on the trees.  Squirrels ventured out onto the wet tree limbs.  The last raindrops drip, drip, dripped from the roof.  I sat for many minutes, eyes closed, singing praise songs in my head and praying silently all the while listening to the sounds of creation around me.

"Odd," I thought.  Just 12 hours or so before I had gotten an email from our social worker responding to my inquiry about our home study.  I thought it was supposed to be mailed on Monday, and I should have it in hand.

Turns out it is "missing."  What?!?

Normally that would really freak me out.  Normally I would obsess about the fact that this puts us another week behind where I think we should be.  Normally it would ruin my mood and possibly the rest of the weekend.  Normally I would not truly rest until I knew that the document was on its way to me.  But not this time.

I puzzled over this supernatural calm until, in the middle of Easter Sunday Service, I heard two things that explained it for me.

First, the resurrection transforms disappointment into joy (see John 20:10-18).  Losing the home study is a disappointment.  Delay in this process is a disappointment.  But ultimately we WILL have the joy of holding our child in our arms.

Second, the resurrection transforms fear into peace (see John 20:19-23).  I had to back into this one.  I knew I was already feeling peace.  A peace I couldn't explain.  A peace that made no sense.  So, what was the fear?  Loss of control.  I was counting on her to get the home study to me, so I could stay on schedule.  Whose schedule?  Mine.  I am putting an enormous amount of pressure on myself to get the home study submitted as quickly as possible.  The sooner it is submitted, the sooner we get in line.  The sooner we get in line, the sooner we have our child in our arms.  I know I don't control much of the process, but I'm counting on things going "perfectly," because I want her home NOW!

So, yes, I do still feel disappointed that we are delayed.  But I will know the joy of meeting our child and bringing her home.  And I know that I will still struggle with wanting the process to conform to my wishes.  But for now I have peace.

She's waiting for us.  And God knows that.